March 13, 2019

*I'm writing this 8 months after my daughter was born.

Postpartum Depression.  It happened. Is this a nightmare? How could this be? I've waited for over 10 years for my sweet baby! 

I had this MENTAL MISFIRE.  I couldn't function. Everything was a blur. I cried and cried for no reason. Here I was, FINALLY I had my dream baby, but I also just could not get myself together. I knew when my husband asked if I was OK one day, that I wasn't. 

We had our 6 week followup with my OB. I had to fill out one of those questionnaire forms where you circle how you are really feeling. I was scared. I thought I would be judged. 

My OB was AMAZING. She gave us a scenario of what it was like for the husband and new momma and we just had to laugh because she was SPOT ON. Like she had watched our exact moments the day before. 

In the moment, I didn't know why I was so upset all of the time. Looking back, HELLO!


March 13, 2019

Well, I failed the 3 hr. glucose test. FAILED. I HATE that word. It makes me feel so terrible, like I've done something horrible. Couldn't they eliminate that word? I already felt like shit for having Gestational Diabetes. Way to make it worse. 

I was so upset to get this news. What did this mean for my baby? What did this mean for me? 

I was told I had to show up to a class to learn all about foods to avoid/consume and I had to take a class on how to test my blood sugar 4 times a day. 4 TIMES A DAY I HAVE TO PRICK MY FINGERS TO GET BLOOD. GREEEEAAAATTTTTTTT.

I will do whatever it takes to keep my baby healthy. It isn't all about me. I had to get over the fact that I couldn't just eat whatever I wanted whenever anymore. 

I showed up and there were 8 other women there for the class. What surprised me is that they all looked either similar to my weight, or a lot smaller. I thought diabetes was only fo...

September 25, 2018

**I wrote this post in real-time in May, 2018. 

Today is the day I have to go in and have my blood drawn 4 times in 3 hours to see if I have Gestational Diabetes. I failed the 1 hour test. I thought I was nervous for that one. Try waiting for 3 hours WITH NO FOOD for 13 hours!!!!!!

The plan was to go in on Saturday morning, so I wouldn't have to call in for work. Well, I woke up Saturday feeling so sick, I HAD TO EAT! I was so upset, but I just had to eat. So, I decided to call off work on Monday and do it then. 

So, here I am. We left the house at 6:10am to get to the lab by 6:30am. I didn't get called back to start until 6:45am. She drew my blood right when I got in, which was different from the 1 hour. Then she shook the drink up and I had to drink that same orange drink within 5 minutes.  It was so easy for me to drink. I was SO THIRSTY it was so satisfying. Right when I finished the last drop, the lab t...

June 28, 2018

The dreaded glucose test.

I've been freaking out about this for a while now.  I certainly do not want to have gestational diabetes, but it's best to know for sure. I was NOT looking forward to drink the nasty sugar drink that I've heard about. It sounds terrible and I didn't want to throw up from it. 

I was so nervous. I followed my doctor's orders. She said DO NOT FAST for the 1 hour glucose test. She said that I could eat protein throughout the day and basically eat regularly, just no sweets. I waited to come in until after work. I ate pretty lightly that day since I was so nervous.

I got there and had to drink the 100ml orange drink. It wasn't bad at all! I thought it tasted like a popsicle. Yes, it was sugary, but it didn't make me nauseous or anything. I actually thought it tasted pretty good! 

I went out to the lobby and got super tired and yawned a ton.  I wasn't sure if it was fro...

June 3, 2018

Every single time I wipe,

I have to look.

I am terrified to find blood,

I am terrified to lose this baby. 

I started writing this months ago,

Nothing has changed.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant,

I still look every single time. 

We have a healthy singleton,

But think about the twin we lost




Even though I feel my baby,

kicking and tumbling like crazy.

I still check.

Miscarriages fucked me up,

I love this baby.

February 24, 2018

I want to write a light post after all of the sadness we've been through. 

Here are some silly reasons why I've cried since becoming pregnant:

* I HATE the smell of our dishwasher pucks. 

* I HATE the smell of our laundry detergent.

* I HATE the smell of all cleaning products.

* A brand of rolls I used to love smell TERRIBLE now. 

* Josh Groban's beautiful voice singing "O Holy Night"

* Missing my husband's face.

* I love my dog so so much.

* My husband made me scrambled eggs after I requested them. I took one bite and made him remove them immediately. I felt terrible.

* I couldn't find a hotel to book and was really frustrated. 

* My coworker saying I have a lot going on and I should rest. 

* Not wanting a single thing to eat at lunch even with tons of choices. 

I cry a lot. Haha. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but it's funny to look back. My husband is a true champ!!!



February 10, 2018

We are devastated. We went in for our 8 week OB appointment and found out that we lost one of the twins. I feel so so alone.  I am so extremely sad, but also glad that our other little one is doing OK for now.  

During our OB visit, she grabbed the hand-held sonogram machine to try to get a look at the babies without having to go in vaginally.  Right away we could see one baby clearly. We could even see the heartbeat.  She was having trouble finding the other baby in the sac.  She kept saying it's hard to even see anything at all with this type of machine so early.  She decided to send me over to have a vaginal ultrasound to check on things. 

In my heart I knew.  I knew that we had lost one. Why would we be able to see one so clearly and not the other? 

I laid down and the sonographer started.  I could see both sacs, but one baby seemed very tiny compared to the other. I was hop...

February 3, 2018

**I am currently pregnant with ONE baby. 

After the 5 week scare, we felt relieved that our babies were still in there.  I can't bring myself to calm down about it, though. I know that a miscarriage can happen at any time. I don't think I'll ever feel at ease with this pregnancy. 

The bleeding continued throughout the whole week after our 5 week scan.  It was enough that I needed a pad, but it wasn't heavy. It wasn't just spotting, either. 

I was so nervous. It was time to see our babies.  The sonographer was excellent.  Right away we could clearly see TWO BEATING HEARTBEATS!  WOW! WOW! WOW!

I've never seen anything like it!  I've never felt this way before.  So extremely happy and giddy!  OUR BABIES ARE OK!  They are SO SO CUTE. Like SUPER CUTE. 

Baby "A" heartbeat was 108.  Baby "B" heartbeat was 128.  

I was concerned about the heartbeat difference, but she said t...

January 27, 2018

 **I am currently 14 weeks with a singleton**

As many of you know, I had a miscarriage last year.  It was devastating and I still think about it every single day.  

I woke up on Monday morning at 4am with blood on the sheets.  I ran to the bathroom and started bawling my eyes out.  This is EXACTLY when and how the previous miscarriage started. I was beside myself.  I woke my husband up and he tried to calm me, but I could see how terrified he was, too.  I emailed my RE right away. She e-mailed me back by 7am and had us in for a scan by 9am. 

The ride to the clinic was mostly silent. I looked like a mess. I didn't even brush my teeth. 

The first thing the sonographer said to me was that it's very hard to see anything at just 5 weeks. I was TINY pregnant.  My heart stopped. I didn't want to look. 

Then there THEY were. TWO sacs! TWO babies! They could clearly see two sacs and t...

January 21, 2018

**I am currently 13 weeks

The day after we found out that we were pregnant, my in-laws came into town for Thanksgiving!  I was so excited to see them. They haven't visited in a while, and it would be nice to have some family around. 

My hubby and I had decided at the very beginning of our 3rd FET try, that we would not tell ANYONE. NO ONE knows this time.  When people ask when we would try again, our answer was always the same: We're going to take a break for a while. 

#1: It's just too hard emotionally for everyone to know.  

#2: If I could get pregnant naturally, I wouldn't tell anyone until we were ready. 

#3: I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

#4: I just didn't want to. I was tired of it all. 

So here come my in-laws.  This will be their FIRST grandchild!  I want to shout it from the rooftops, but we are staying cautious because of our previous miscarriage. 

So, they came and it's been really...

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