1 Heartbeat

February 10, 2018

 We are devastated. We went in for our 8 week OB appointment and found out that we lost one of the twins. I feel so so alone.  I am so extremely sad, but also glad that our other little one is doing OK for now.  

 

During our OB visit, she grabbed the hand-held sonogram machine to try to get a look at the babies without having to go in vaginally.  Right away we could see one baby clearly. We could even see the heartbeat.  She was having trouble finding the other baby in the sac.  She kept saying it's hard to even see anything at all with this type of machine so early.  She decided to send me over to have a vaginal ultrasound to check on things. 

 

In my heart I knew.  I knew that we had lost one. Why would we be able to see one so clearly and not the other? 

 

I laid down and the sonographer started.  I could see both sacs, but one baby seemed very tiny compared to the other. I was hoping it was because she was zoomed in on the one and not the other.  

 

One baby we could see right away had a strong heartbeat of 174 and was measuring right at 8 weeks. It was amazing to see.

 

Still, in the back of my mind I was worried about the other baby. She went on to check my ovaries and I knew there was something wrong. 

 

"Is the other one OK?"

 

"I'm so sorry, I'm not finding a heartbeat. It is only measuring at 6 weeks. You must have lost it a couple of weeks ago after your last scan." 

 

I lost it. My heart dropped, my throat closed up, I started bawling uncontrollably.  The tears wouldn't stop. I didn't want to breathe. How could this be happening? WHY WHY WHY. 

 

My husband was silent. He just held my hand and rubbed my back.  

 

The sonographer asked if we wanted a pic of them together.  I said yes.  She printed one of the healthy baby alone, and one of them both together.  We could clearly see a big difference in size. 

 

I got dressed and my OB came in. I asked what would happen to the baby that didn't make it.  She said my body will most likely absorb it.  HOW AWFUL. I have to now walk around with a non-living baby inside of me, but also I have to be strong for our other little one still hanging on. It is really all too much to handle. 

 

I am so happy that our other little one had a strong heartbeat, but now I really cannot be excited about this pregnancy.  What if I lose this one too?  I don't even want to tell anyone that we are pregnant. 

 

We had a plan. We were going to hang two baby stockings on our mantle and write "BABY A" and "BABY B" on them.  We were going to take a photo with our dog in front of the mantle saying she is being promoted to big sister. We were going to FaceTime/Skype all of our friends and family with this photo.  I am crushed. 

 

We were going to be twin parents. We had names picked out for the pair. 

 

I need to stop typing. I am so so extremely sad. My heart hurts so much.

 

-Natalie

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