Postpartum Depression

March 13, 2019

*I'm writing this 8 months after my daughter was born.

 

Postpartum Depression.  It happened. Is this a nightmare? How could this be? I've waited for over 10 years for my sweet baby! 

 

I had this MENTAL MISFIRE.  I couldn't function. Everything was a blur. I cried and cried for no reason. Here I was, FINALLY I had my dream baby, but I also just could not get myself together. I knew when my husband asked if I was OK one day, that I wasn't. 

 

We had our 6 week followup with my OB. I had to fill out one of those questionnaire forms where you circle how you are really feeling. I was scared. I thought I would be judged. 

 

My OB was AMAZING. She gave us a scenario of what it was like for the husband and new momma and we just had to laugh because she was SPOT ON. Like she had watched our exact moments the day before. 

 

In the moment, I didn't know why I was so upset all of the time. Looking back, HELLO!

 

Here is what happened the first month of my daughter being born:

 

1.) I was recovering from major surgery.

 

2.) I had a severe allergic reaction to my surgery prep and had an extreme burning rash with hives all over my surgery site.  I had to slather all sorts of gross sticky creams over it and I had to take Prednisone.

 

3.) I was feeling very confused and overwhelmed by the lack of breastfeeding information from the hospital. 

 

3.) My daughter wasn't gaining weight.

 

4.) We JUST MOVED from Kansas City, MO back to Buffalo, NY when I was 8 months pregnant. 

 

5.) We were STILL unpacking.

 

6.) We were still putting away baby shower items.

 

7.) I was writing a million thank you notes from the shower.

 

8.) Our place was a hot mess and not a home. 

 

9;) My father has Parkinson's Disease and I didn't realize how bad it was until we moved home. 

 

10.) Our family dog fell down my basement stairs which knocked her teeth out. There was blood everywhere and she had to be rushed to the vet. 

 

11.) Our family dog died and I was there when we had to put her down. (My first dog ever)

 

Holy shitballs!

 

No wonder why I couldn't get my shit together! What more could have happened!? 

 

This was supposed to be the most joyous time in my life, and here I was so completely and utterly overwhelmed with EVERYTHING!

 

SO...the dreaded talk about taking an anti-depressant.  I am so against pills. I even get weird if I have to take IBUprofen or Tylenol. Here she was suggesting this as ONE option. Other options were to see a therapist (GET REAL!!!! I don't even have time to brush my teeth!)

 

After a good conversation, we decided that taking something to help was the best option for me. 

 

I was prescribed one medication that made EVERYTHING WORSE! i MEAN EVERYTHING!  Holy fucking shit, I thought I couldn't handle anything before!? This made things 25 times WORSE. This couldn't be right, so we switched prescriptions.

 

After 2 WHOLE WEEKS of EXTREME AND HORRENDOUS SIDE EFFECTS, like:

 

1.) Rocket Diarrhea 

 

2.) Extreme Nausea

 

3.) Major headaches

 

4.) Exhaustion

 

5.) Achiness

 

6.) Insomnia

 

THE CLOUDS PARTED. After exactly 2 weeks, the side effects started to dwindle away and I felt the LOVE LOVE LOVEEEEEE for my precious daughter!

 

Yes, I knew I loved her, but to really really feel the love was incredible! I remember the exact moment it happened and I even have a picture of her when it happened. It is framed and displayed on a shelf in her room. Every single day I smile at that photo, because I know it was the moment that we FINALLY connected. 

 

Postpartum Depression is nasty.

 

PLEASE SEEK HELP IF YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. 

 

THERE IS NO SHAME!!!!!!

 

WE NEED TO TALK MORE ABOUT THIS!

 

-Natalie

 

 

 

 

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